You are a truly impudent rascal

with a heart of steel—to offer your neck

to the city and deliver a speech

attacking what all Athenians think.

But the man is not trembling at the task.

Come on then, you’re the one who wanted this.

So speak!

DICAEOPOLIA You men witnessing my speech,

do not be angry if I, a poor beggar,

intend to speak before Athenians

about the city and, as I do that,

I will be producing a comic play.

For comic drama can illuminate

what is just and right. The things I’ll say

will shock you, but they will be the truth.

And this time, at least, Cleon will not bring

slanderous charges against me, alleging

I attack Athens in front of foreigners.

For we are by ourselves at the festival

of the Lenaea. In this crowd there are

no strangers. The tribute and the soldiers

from the federated states are not yet here.

Nor are our allies. Here we are pure wheat—

winnowed, free of chaff. As for the aliens

settled here, I consider them mere bran.

I truly detest Lacedaemonians—

I wish Poseidon, god of Taenarus,

would shake the earth and bring their houses

crashing down. For I, too, have had my vines

vandalized by Spartans. But since those present

and listening to me are friends, I ask

why blame the Spartans for all our troubles?

For some men among us—I do not mean

the city; please remember this point:

I am not speaking of our city state—

some pitiful, rascals, with no sense of honour,

cheap swindlers, and counterfeit foreigners

falsely accused people from Megara

of smuggling goods inside their clothing.

If they saw a cucumber or young hare,

a suckling pig, garlic clove, or rock salt,

they cried out “These goods come from Megara,”

then grabbed the stuff, and sold it on the spot.

Now, at first this trouble was merely local.

But then some young men playing cottabus

got very drunk, set out for Megara,

and carried off the courtesan Simaetha.

So the Megarians, angered by this act,

got revenge by kidnapping two prostitutes

belonging to Aspasia. War broke out over these three strumpets, inundating all of Greece. Then Olympian Pericles,

in his anger, hurled lightning and thunder,

and confounded Greece, by passing edicts

written like a doggerel drinking song:

“Megarians are forthwith banned

from the sea and from the land

from the markets where we trade

from any place where deals are made.”

As a result of this, Megarians

gradually began to die of hunger.

So they begged the Lacedaemonians

to repeal the edict we had voted for

after that business with the prostitutes.

The Spartans petitioned us many times,

but we refused. And that led to warfare.

You may say the Spartans were to blame,

but what should they have done? Tell me that.

Suppose a Lacedaemonian sailed his ship

to Seriphos, started a false rumour,

then seized and sold a little puppy dog.

Would you have remained quietly at home?

No, of course not. Instead you would have sent

three hundred warships out immediately,

and the city would have been filled with

the confused din of soldiers and loud shouts

around the captains. Men would be getting paid,

Pallas figureheads regilded on the ships,

with huge crowds of people milling about,

measuring grain in the colonades, inspecting

wine skins and oar loops, purchasing jars,

garlic, olives, net bags of onions, chaplets,

anchovies, flute girls with bloody noses

and black eyes. The dock would have resounded

to the noise of spars being sculpted into oars,

ships’ pegs being driven into place, oars

being fitted with leather—and music, too,

the sound of flutes, bosuns' whistles, and pipes.

I know that is what you would have done.

Do we think the Spartan would not do the same?

If we do, then we have no common sense.

SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A

You wretch! You truly despicable rogue,

you are a beggar and you have the gall

to address us in this way! If there are

one or two informers, why insult us?

SEMI-CHORUS LEADER B

By Poseidon, what he has said is just.

No word of what he spoke to us was false.

Even if everything he said was true,

did he have a right to say it? He’ll get

no pleasure from such foolhardy speech!

SEMI-CHORUS LEADER B

Where are you running? Stay where you are!

If you hit this man, you’ll soon be hit yourself.

SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A

O Lamachus with your lightning glance

and terrifying Gorgon crest, help me!

O Lamachus, friend and fellow tribesman,

and any of you officers, generals,

or men who storm the walls, come with all speed.

These men have grabbed me by my private parts!

Whence comes that warlike cry I have just heard?

Where must I provide my aid? Where direct

my martial power? Who has roused the Gorgon

from her canvas carrying bag.

O Lamachus,

hero of helmet plumes and ambushes!

SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A

O Lamachus, not long ago this man

was saying foul things about our city.

You are a mere beggar, and yet you dare

to use insulting words?

O Lamachus,

you hero, have mercy on a beggar

who has been chattering.

So inform me.

What have you been saying?

I’m not quite sure.

Fear of your weapons has made me dizzy.

I beg you please remove that hideous monster.

There you go.

Now place it on the ground face down.

All right.There. It’s done.

Give me a feather—

one from your helmet.

Here is a feather.

Now hold my head while I throw up—the feather

has made my stomach very queasy.

How are you going to use this feather—

force yourself to vomit?

You call this a feather?

What kind of bird struts around in this? I know—

the chirping yellow-bellied cock sucker!

What! I’m going to kill you.

No, no, Lamachus,

no need for violence. If you’ve the strength,

why not massage my prick?

Whoa, I’d say

you’re very well equipped down here.

Is this the way a beggar should address

a general?

You think I’m a beggar?

If not, what are you then?

Who am I?

A useful citizen, unambitious,

and, since the war began, a soldier.

You, on the other hand, once war started,

became a wretched well-paid mercenary.

I was elected by a show of hands . . .

Yes, by three cuckoos! This is what disgusts me

and drove me to negotiate a peace.

I see bald heads in among the ranks of men

No, no, Lamachus,

no need for violence. If you’ve the strength,

why not massage my prick?

Whoa, I’d say

you’re very well equipped down here.

Is this the way a beggar should address

a general?

You think I’m a beggar?

If not, what are you then?

Who am I?

A useful citizen, unambitious,

and, since the war began, a soldier.

You, on the other hand, once war started,

became a wretched well-paid mercenary.

I was elected by a show of hands . . .

Yes, by three cuckoos! This is what disgusts me

and drove me to negotiate a peace.

I see bald heads in among the ranks of men

and young men like you evading service.

Some are in Thrace acting as envoys

and getting three drachmas in daily pay

men like Tisamenophoenippus

and Panurgipparchides. The others

are with Chares or in Chaonia,

young men like Geretotheodorus

and Diomialazon; still others

at Camarina, Gela, or Katagela.

They were elected!

But what’s the reason

all you envoys, one way or another,

always get paid, while working men like these

never get assigned?

You, Marilades,

you have gray hair and are an older man.

So tell us: Have you ever been assigned

to serve on a mission or an embassy?

See, he shakes his head. Yet he’s a prudent,

hard-working man. And you, Dracyllus,

Euphorides, and Prinides, do you

have any knowledge of Ecbatana

or Chaonia? . . . All of them say no.

Such appointments are deemed quite suitable

for sons of Caesyra and Lamachus,

who yesterday were loaded d0wn with debt,

and friends were telling them to stand aside,

as people do when tossing out their slops.

In the name of our democratic ways,

do we have to bear this nonsense?

No, of course not—

not unless Lamachus wishes to get paid.

But I will always keep on fighting wars against all the cities of the Peloponnese.

I will stir up trouble for them everywhere— with ships and soldiers and all my power.

[Lamachus exits.

DICAEOPOLIS I am announcing to all the cities in the Peloponnese, Megara, and Boeotia that they can buy and sell in my market—but not with Lamachus.

SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A [moves to Dicaeopolis] This man here has prevailed in our debate. The people’s view of him has been transformed, and all of us will now endorse his peace. But let’s change and hear the parabasis.

Since the time our master has been presenting

comic dramas he has never stepped forward

on the stage to praise himself. However,

because he has been slandered by enemies

among Athenians who judge too rashly

and charge him with ridiculing our state