with your ancestors, when the trumpet sounds, drink down a pitcher full of wine. The man who drains his first will receive a wine skin as plump and full as fat Ctesiphon.
DICAEOPOLIS You slaves and women, are you not listening? What are you doing? Did you not hear
the herald? Hop to it! Let the hares braise and roast! Keep them turning and then remove
them from the spit! Get the garlands ready!
Bring me the skewers to impale the birds.
CHORUS LEADER I envy your fine judgment, my good man, and especially this feast you set before us.
DICAEOPOLIS What about when you see the birds roasting?
CHORUS Ah yes, you are so right about the birds!
DICAEOPOLIS [to a slave] Stir up the fire!
What a fine cook he is! He understands well how to prepare
a delicious feast in his own home.
DERCETES Alas! Alas! I am so unfortunate!
DICAEOPOLIS By Herakles, who is this?
DERCETES A most unhappy man!
DICAEOPOLIS Keep your miserable feelings to yourself.
DERCETES Ah, my dear friend, you alone are at peace.
Give me a portion of your truce, even if it’s only for five years.
DICAEOPOLIS What’s wrong with you?
DERCETES I’m done for. I’ve lost a pair of oxen.
DICAEOPOLIS How did you do that?
DERCETES The Boeotians— they took them from me at Phyle.
DICAEOPOLIS O you poor miserable wretch of triple sorrows! But in those white clothes, you’re not in mourning.
DERCETES By Zeus, all their cowshit was my source of cash.
DICAEOPOLIS What is it, then, you need me to do?
DERCETES Weeping for my oxen has ruined my eyes. If you have any sympathy for me, Dercetes of Phyle, then spread your peace like an ointment under both my eyelids.
DICAEOPOLIS But my poor fellow, I’m not a healer.
DERCETES Come, I implore you. Perhaps there’s a chance
I can get my two oxen back.
It’s not possible. You should go and tell your troubles to the followers of healer Pittalus.
DERCETES Just one drop of peace—poured into this reed!
DICAEOPOLIS No not even the tiniest drop. Go away! Do your weeping somewhere else.
DERCETES O dear! Alas for my two little oxen.
CHORUS This man has found sweet enjoyment in peace.
I do not think he’ll share with anyone.
DICAEOPOLIS Pour some honey over the sausages,
and fry the cuttle fish.
CHORUS Did you hear his voice? Such a loud commanding tone!
DICAEOPOLIS And broil the eels.
CHORUS You are killing me with hunger, and your smoke and are shouting our neighbours.
DICAEOPOLIS Fry this and make sure it’s nicely browned.
BEST MAN [calling] Dicaeopolis!
Who are you? What’s your name?
A bridegroom at his marriage banquet
sends you this plate of meat.
Whoever he is
he has my thanks!
BEST MAN And in return for the meat
he asks you to pour into this jar a dram
of peace, so he will not have to fight but can stay at home screwing his young wife.
DICAEPOLIS Take back the meat. Do not give it to me. Take it back. I would not pour out a dram not for a thousand drachmas.
Who is this?
BEST MAN She is the bridesmaid. She has to speak to you in private. It’s a message from the bride.
DICAEOPOLIS Come then. What do you have to say to me.
O by the gods, that request makes me laugh! The bride wishes to stay at home holding
sends you this plate of meat.
Whoever he is
he has my thanks!
BEST MAN And in return for the meat
he asks you to pour into this jar a dram
of peace, so he will not have to fight but can stay at home screwing his young wife.
DICAEPOLIS Take back the meat. Do not give it to me. Take it back. I would not pour out a dram not for a thousand drachmas.
Who is this?
BEST MAN She is the bridesmaid. She has to speak to you in private. It’s a message from the bride.
DICAEOPOLIS Come then. What do you have to say to me.
O by the gods, that request makes me laugh! The bride wishes to stay at home holding
her husband’s cock .Come, fetch my peace treaty. To her alone I will give some, for she is a woman and did not cause this war. Here, my dear, hold out your vial.
There you go. Do you know how to apply the liquid? Tell the bride this: whenever they draw up a list of soldiers, she should rub some of this at night on her husband’s penis. Now, slave, take away the truce. Fetch the jugs of wine, so I can fill up all the drinking bowls.
CHORUS LEADER Someone’s coming. He looks very worried— as if he's weighed down with terrible news.
Frederick William Hall (1865–1948) was a classical scholar and Fellow of St John's College, Oxford. Together with William Martin Geldart, he produced the Oxford Classical Text of several authors. Hall was a careful editor known for his thorough collation of manuscripts and his conservative approach to textual criticism.
The Hall–Geldart editions in the Oxford Classical Texts series provide reliable critical texts with selective apparatus criticus. The OCT series, established in 1894 as the Scriptorum Classicorum Bibliotheca Oxoniensis, aims to present the best available Greek and Latin texts in a format suitable for both scholarly use and teaching. Each volume provides a clean text with the most significant manuscript variants recorded at the foot of each page.
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