Ismenias, take care with that penny-royal, set it down gently. And you musicians, men of Thebes, stick those bone flutes of yours into the dog’s arse and play us a tune.

Stop this! To the crows with you! You wasps,

piss off from my home! Where did they come from,

these wretched scoundrel sons of Charis,

playing their droning bagpipes outside my door.

Ah, by Iolaus, drive those fellows off,

my dear host. That would truly please me.

They’ve been playing behind me all the way

from Thebes and have stripped the blossoms

from my penny-royal. But if you’re in the mood,

would you like to buy anything from me?

I have chickens and locusts and . . .

Ah, welcome,

Boeotian friend, eater of griddle cakes,

What have you brought?

All the finest goods

Boeotia offers: marjoram, penny-royal,

rush mats, wicks, ducks, jays, francolins,

coots, wrens, divers . . .

A winter storm of birds—

fowl weather blowing them to market.

. . . geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats,

martens, otters, and eels from lake Copais.

Ah, you bring the tastiest of all fish

known to mortal men. Let me pay tribute

to those eels of yours, if you have any.

O you, the eldest of my fifty maidens—

virgin nymphs from lake Copais—come out

and make our host a happy man.

O my dearest love, I have long yearned for you.

How you make the comic chorus sigh,

you, who are true love of Morychus.

Slaves, bring the stove out here and the bellows.

Look at this, my children, the finest eel,

who has come to us after six long years

of waiting. Children, you should speak to it.

To honour our guest, I will provide the coal.

Take it inside.

If you are to be stewed with beets

then death shall never come between us.

BOEOTIAN What do I receive in return as payment?

DICAEOPOLIS It will pay the market dues you owe me. But if you wish to sell some of the rest, then speak up.

I wish to sell everything.

DICAEOPOLIS Tell me how much you want? Or do you wish to take some goods from here back home?

I do. I’d take some Athenian goods—those things we in Boeotia do not produce ourselves.

DICAEOPOLIS Then you should purchase some Phaleric sprats

or pottery or . . .

Sprats or pottery?

We have these things. What I am looking for

are things we lack but you have in abundance.

DICAEOPOLIS I have just what you want. Why not take back an informer, packed up like crockery.

BOEOTIAN By the twin gods, if I took one back home I could earn a tidy profit from a man full of mischief and lots of monkey tricks.

DICAEOPOLIS Ah ha! Here comes Nicarchus to denounce you.

BOEOTIAN He’s not very tall.

Every inch is nasty.

NICARCHUS This merchandise—who does it belong to?

BOEOTIAN It’s mine—from Thebes, as Zeus is my witness.

NICARCHUS I denounce it as enemy contraband.

BOEOTIAN What’s wrong with you? Why are you waging war and fighting against my birds?

I’ll denounce you as well.

BOEOTIAN How have I harmed you?

For the sake of our audience

I’ll explain: you are importing lamp wicks from an enemy state.

You’re denouncing him for a candle wick?

It only takes one wick to burn the dockyard down.

Destroy the dockyard with a single wick?

That’s right.

But how?

NICARCHUS Well, a Boeotian could attach the wick

BOEOTIAN It’s mine—from Thebes, as Zeus is my witness.

NICARCHUS I denounce it as enemy contraband.

BOEOTIAN What’s wrong with you? Why are you waging war and fighting against my birds?

I’ll denounce you as well.

BOEOTIAN How have I harmed you?

For the sake of our audience

I’ll explain: you are importing lamp wicks from an enemy state.

You’re denouncing him for a candle wick?

It only takes one wick to burn the dockyard down.

Destroy the dockyard with a single wick?

That’s right.

But how?

NICARCHUS Well, a Boeotian could attach the wick

to a beetle’s wing, light it, and send it into the dockyard through a water pipe

when a strong north wind is blowing.

If fire reached the ships, it would quickly incinerate the dockyard.

You idiot! Everything destroyed by a beetle and a wick?

NICARCHUS [appealing to the Chorus] You are witnesses how he’s abusing me!

DICAEOPOLIS Gag his mouth and give me some straw. I need to pack him like a piece of pottery,

so he does not get broken up transit.

CHORUS Take the greatest of care as you wrap up this gnome, so the contents don’t crack as our friend travels home.

DICAEOPOLIS I will take good care—he’s already so flawed his note rings quite false and offends every god

CHORUS LEADER What kind of use will he find for this crock?