I am such an ardent lover of yours, I am concerned for you and I alone look out for what you need,” at that point— after someone used these opening phrases— you’d always flap your wings and toss your horns.

I did that?

Once he’d completely fooled you merely with these words, he’d go away.

What are you saying? They did that to me, and I never noticed?

Yes. And then, by god, your ears would open like a parasol

and then close again.

Was I so stupid and such a dotard?

Yes, by Zeus, you were. If two orators spoke up, one proposing

to build long ships for war and the other to spend the same amount to pay off certain citizens, the one who spoke of pay would always go away victorious over the man who spoke of warships.

Why hang your head? Can’t you stand firm here?

Well, I’m ashamed of earlier mistakes.

You shouldn’t think about them. Those mistakes were not your fault—no, they were brought about by the men who lied to you. Now, tell me, if some impudent advocate cried out, “You jury men, there’ll be no wheat for you, unless you convict someone in this case,”

how would you treat the man who made that plea?

I’d string him up above the ground, fling him into the Barathron, with Hyperbolus hanging round his neck.

Now you’re talking

in a reasonable and proper way. All right, let’s see, what other policies would you undertake? Tell me.

First of all, whenever the long ships return to port, I will award the rowers their full pay.

You’ll please many a worn and blistered bum.

And then, no soldier whose name is entered on the roll will be transferred somewhere else

because of special interests. It will stay where it was written down originally.

That will sting Cleonymus on his shield band.

And no one will hang around the marketplace unless he has a beard.

If that’s the case, where will Cleisthenes and Strato buy things?

By that I mean those young men at the market where perfumes are sold, who sit there and chat, saying things like, “That Phaeax is so smart! The way he escaped death was so clever! How stylish the man is, how logical, how good at formulating new expressions,

clear and pointed, and he’s the very best at silencing those nasty hecklers.”

Surely you’ll give these chatterers the finger?

No, by Zeus. I’ll force them all to go hunting and stop proposing to vote in decrees.

All right then, given that, accept this stool, and this slave who will carry it for you. He’s got enormous balls, and if you like, you can make him your camp stool.

My goodness! I am reassuming my old habits!

You will claim that for sure when I give you the peace terms for a truce of thirty years.

Terms of peace, come out here quickly.

Holy Zeus, they are lovely. By the gods,

can I play around with them for thirty years? Let me ask you—where did you find them?

Didn’t you know the Paphlagonian was keeping them locked up in the house where you wouldn’t find them? I’m giving them to you so you can take them with you

when you go back to your country home.

And what about the Paphlagonian who did all this. How will you punish him?

Nothing excessive. He will carry on with my old trade beside the city gates, selling sausages all by himself. He’ll keep making a hash of things, but from now on with dog and donkey meat. And when he’s drunk, he’ll swap his swear words with the prostitutes,

and drink foul water from the public baths.

What you’ve proposed that man richly deserves, a slanging match with whores and bath attendants. And now, in return, I am inviting you to the Prytaneum, to take the seat which that piece of filth once occupied. Put on this frog-green robe and follow me. Someone take that fellow away from here where he may ply his trade, so that strangers whom he used to hurt so much may see him.