A man! I see a man approaching mad with love, seized with desire for Aphrodite’s rites. O holy queen of Cyprus, Cythera, and Paphos, keep moving down the road, the straight path you’ve been travelling on.

Where is he, whoever he is?

Over there, right beside the shrine of Chloe.

Oh yes, there he is, by god. Who is he?

Have a look. Do any of you know him?

O god, I do.

It’s my husband Cinesias.

All right, your job is to torment him, be a tease, make him hot, offer to have sex with him

A man! I see a man approaching mad with love, seized with desire for Aphrodite’s rites. O holy queen of Cyprus, Cythera, and Paphos, keep moving down the road, the straight path you’ve been travelling on.

Where is he, whoever he is?

Over there, right beside the shrine of Chloe.

Oh yes, there he is, by god. Who is he?

Have a look. Do any of you know him?

O god, I do.

It’s my husband Cinesias.

All right, your job is to torment him, be a tease, make him hot, offer to have sex with him

and then refuse, try everything you can, except the things you swore to on the cup.

Don’t you worry. I’ll do that.

All right, then. I’ll stay here to help you play with him. We’ll warm him up together. You others, go inside.

I’m in a dreadful way. It’s all this throbbing. And the strain. I feel

as if I’m stretched out on the rack.

Who’s there, standing inside our line of sentinels?

It’s me.

A man?

Yes, take a look at this!

In that case leave. Go on your way.

Who are you to tell me to get out?

The daytime watch.

Then, by the gods, call Myrrhine for me.

You tell me to summon Myrrhine for you? Who are you?

Cinesias, her husband, from Paeonidae.

Welcome, dear friend, your name is not unknown to us. Your wife always

has you on her lips. Any time she licks an apple or an egg she says, “Ah me, if only this could be Cinesias.”

O my god!

Yes, by Aphrodite, yes. And when our talk happens to deal with men, your wife speaks up immediately, “O they’re all useless sorts

compared to my Cinesias.”

Please call her out.

Why should I do that? What will you give me?

Whatever you want, by god. I have this . . .

I’ll give you what I’ve got.

No thanks.

I think I’ll tell her to come out to you.

Hurry up. I’ve had no pleasure in life since she’s been gone from home. I go out, but I’m in pain. To me now everything seems empty. There’s no joy in eating food. I’m just so horny.

I love him. I do. But he’s unwilling to make love to me,

to love me back. Don’t make me go to him.

O my dear sweetest little Myrrhine, what are you doing? Come down here.

I’m not going there, by god.

If I ask you, won’t you come down, Myrrhine?

You’ve got no reason to be calling me. You don’t want me.

You don’t think I want you? I’m absolutely dying for you!

I’m leaving.

Hold on! You might want to hear our child. Can you call out something to your mama?

Mummy, mummy, mummy!

What’s wrong with you?

Don’t you feel sorry for the boy. It’s now six days since he’s been washed or had some food.

Ah yes, I pity him. But it’s quite clear his father doesn’t.

My lovely wife, come down here to the child.

Being a mother is so demanding. I better go down. What I put up with!

She seems to me to be much younger, easier on the eyes. She was acting like a shrew and haughty, but that just roused my passion even more.

My dear sweet little boy. But your father— such rotten one. Come here. I’ll hold you.

Mummy’s little favourite.

You dim-witted girl, what are you doing, letting yourself be led on by these other women, causing me grief and injuring yourself?

Don’t lay a hand on me!

Inside our home things are a mess. You stopped doing anything.

I don’t care.

You don’t care your weaving is being picked apart by hens?

So what?

You haven’t honoured holy Aphrodite by having sex, not for a long time now.

So won’t you come back?

No, by god, I won’t—

unless you give me something in return. End this war.

Well now, that’s something I’ll do, when it seems all right.

Well then, I’ll leave here, when it seems all right. But now I’m under oath.

At least lie down with me a little while.

I can’t. I’m not saying I wouldn’t like to.

You’d like to? Then, my little Myrrhine, lie down right here.

You must be joking— in front of our dear baby child?

No, by god.

Manes, take the boy back home.

All right then, the lad’s no longer in the way. Lie down.

But, you silly man, where do we do it?

Where? The Cave of Pan’s an excellent place.

How will I purify myself when I return into the citadel?

You can wash yourself in the water clock. That would do the job.

What about the oath I swore? Should I become a wretched perjurer?

I’ll deal with that. Don’t worry about the oath.

Well then,

I’ll go and get a bed for us.

No, no. The ground will do.

No, by Apollo, no! You may be a rascal, but on the ground? No, I won’t make you lie down there.

Ah, my wife— she really loves me. That’s so obvious.

Here we are. Get on there while I undress.

Where? The Cave of Pan’s an excellent place.

How will I purify myself when I return into the citadel?

You can wash yourself in the water clock. That would do the job.

What about the oath I swore? Should I become a wretched perjurer?

I’ll deal with that. Don’t worry about the oath.

Well then,

I’ll go and get a bed for us.

No, no. The ground will do.

No, by Apollo, no! You may be a rascal, but on the ground? No, I won’t make you lie down there.

Ah, my wife— she really loves me. That’s so obvious.

Here we are. Get on there while I undress.

O dear! I forgot to bring the mattress.

Why a mattress? I don’t need that.

You can’t lie on the bed cord. No, no, by Artemis, that would be a great disgrace.

Give me a kiss—

right now!

There you go.

Oh my god— get back here quickly!

Here’s the mattress. You lie down on it. I’ll get my clothes off. O dear me! You don’t have a pillow.

But I don’t need a pillow!

By god, I do.

This cock of mine is just like Hercules— he’s being denied his supper.

Lift up a bit. Come on, up! There, I think that’s everything.

That’s all we need. Come here, my treasure.

I’m taking off the cloth around my breasts.

Now, don’t forget. Don’t you go lying to me about that vote for peace.

O my god, may I die before that happens!

There’s no blanket.

I don’t need one, by god! I want to get laid!

Don’t worry. You will be. I’ll be right back.

That woman’s killing me with all the bedding!

All right, get up.

But it’s already up!

You want me to rub some scent on you?

No, by Apollo. Not for me.

I’ll do it, whether you want it rubbed on there or not—

for Aphrodite’s sake.

O great lord Zeus,

I’m taking off the cloth around my breasts.

Now, don’t forget. Don’t you go lying to me about that vote for peace.

O my god, may I die before that happens!

There’s no blanket.

I don’t need one, by god! I want to get laid!

Don’t worry. You will be. I’ll be right back.

That woman’s killing me with all the bedding!

All right, get up.

But it’s already up!

You want me to rub some scent on you?

No, by Apollo. Not for me.

I’ll do it, whether you want it rubbed on there or not—

for Aphrodite’s sake.

O great lord Zeus,

pour the perfume out!

Hold out your hand, now. Take that and spread it round.

By Apollo, this stuff doesn’t smell so sweet, not unless it’s rubbed on thoroughly—no sexy smell.

I’m such a fool. I brought the Rhodian scent!

It’s fine. Just let it go, my darling.

You’re just saying that.

Damn the wretch who first came up with perfume!

Grab this alabaster thing.

You grab this alabaster cock. Come lie down here, you tease. Don’t go and fetch

another thing for me.

By Artemis, I’ll grab it. I’m taking off my shoes. Now, my darling,

you will be voting to bring on a peace.

I’m planning to.

That woman’s killing me! She teased me, got me all inflamed, then left.

Alas, why suffer from such agony? Who can I screw? Why’d she betray me, the most beautiful woman of them all? Poor little cock, how can I care for you? Where’s that Cynalopex? I’ll pay him well

to nurse this little fellow back to health.

LEADER OF MEN’S CHORUS

You poor man, in such a fix—your spirit so tricked and in distress. I pity you.

How can your kidneys stand the strain, your balls, your loins, your bum, your brain endure an erection that’s hard for you, without a chance of a morning screw.

O mighty Zeus, it’s started throbbing once again.

LEADER OF MEN’S CHORUS

A dirty stinking bitch did this to you.

No, by god, a loving girl, a sweet one, too.

LEADER OF MEN’S CHORUS

Sweet? Not her. She’s a tease, a slut.

All right, she is a tease, but— O Zeus, Zeus, I wish you’d sweep her up there in a great driving storm, like dust in the air, whirl her around, then fall to the ground. And as she’s carried down, to earth one more time,

let her fall right away on this pecker of mine.

Where’s the Athenian Senate and the Prytanes?

I come with fresh dispatches.

Are you a man, or some phallic monster?

I’m a herald, by the twin gods. And my good man, I come from Sparta with a proposal, arrangements for a truce.

If that’s the case, why do you have a spear concealed in there?

I’m not concealing anything, by god.

Then why are you turning to one side? What’s that thing there, sticking from your cloak? Has your journey made your groin inflamed?

By old Castor, this man’s insane!

You rogue, you’ve got a hard on!

No I don’t, I tell you.

Let’s have no more nonsense.

Then what’s that?

It’s a Spartan herald’s stick.

O that’s what it is, a Spartan herald stick. Let’s have a chat. Tell me the truth. How are things going for you out there in Sparta?

Not good. The Spartans

are all standing tall and the allies, too— everyone is firm and hard. We need a thrust in someone’s rear.

This trouble of yours— where did it come from? Was it from Pan?

No. I think it started with Lampito. Then, at her suggestion, other women in Sparta, as if from one starting gate, ran off to keep men from their honey pots.

How are you doing?

We’re all in pain. We go around the city doubled up, like men who light the lamps. The women won’t let us touch their pussies, not until we’ve made a peace with all of Greece.

This matter is a female plot, a grand conspiracy affecting all of Greece. Now I understand. Return to Sparta as fast as you can go. Tell them they must send out ambassadors

with full authority to deal for peace. I’ll tell our leaders here to make a choice of our ambassadors. I’ll show them my prick.

All you’ve said is good advice. I must fly.

LEADER OF MEN’S CHORUS

There’s no wild animal harder to control than women, not even blazing fire. The panther itself displays more shame.

LEADER OF WOMEN’S CHORUS

If you know that, then why wage war with me? You old scoundrel, we could be lasting friends.

LEADER OF MEN’S CHORUS

But my hatred for women will not stop!

LEADER OF WOMEN’S CHORUS

Whatever you want. But I don’t much like to look at you like this, without your clothes.