although men say we’re devious characters . . .

Because, by god, we are!

. . . when I call them all to meet here to discuss some serious business, they just stay in bed and don’t show up.

Ah, my dear, they’ll come. It’s not so easy for wives to get away. We’ve got to fuss about our husbands, wake up the servants, calm and wash the babies, then give them food.

But there are other things they need to do—

more important issues.

My dear Lysistrata, why have you asked the women to meet here? What’s going on? Is it something big?

It’s huge.

And hard as well?

Yes, by god, really hard.

Then why aren’t we all here?

I don’t mean that! If that were it, they’d all be charging here so fast. No. It’s something I’ve been playing with— wrestling with for many sleepless nights.

If you’ve been working it like that, by now it must have shrivelled up.

Yes, so shrivelled up

that the salvation of the whole of Greece

is now in women’s hands.

In women’s hands? Then it won’t be long before we done for.

It’s up to us to run the state’s affairs— the Spartans would no longer be around.

If they weren’t there, by god, not any more, that would be good news.

And then if all Boeotians were totally destroyed!

Not all of them— you’d have to save the eels.

As for Athens, I won’t say anything as bad as that.

You can imagine what I’d say. But now, if only all the women would come here from Sparta and Boeotia, join up with us,

if we worked together, we’d save Greece.

But what sensible or splendid act could women do? We sit around playing with our cosmetics, wearing golden clothes, posing in Cimmerian silks and slippers.

Those are the very things which I assume will save us—short dresses, perfumes, slippers,

make up, and clothing men can see through.

How’s that going to work?

No man living will lift his spear against another man . . .

By the two goddesses, I must take my dress and dye it yellow.

. . . or pick up a shield . . .

I’ll have to wear my very best silk dress.

. . . or pull out his sword.

I need to get some shoes.

O these women, they should be here by now!

Yes, by god! They should have sprouted wings and come here hours ago.

They’re true Athenians,

you’ll see—everything they should be doing they postpone till later. But no one’s come from Salamis or those towns on the coast.

I know those women—they were up early on their boats riding the mizzen mast.

I’d have bet those women from Acharnia would come and get here first. But they’ve not shown up.

Well, Theogenes’s wife will be here. I saw her hoisting sail to come. Hey, look! Here’s a group of women coming for you.

And there’s another one, as well. Hello! Hello there! Where are they from?

Those? From Anagyrus.

My god, it seems we’re kicking up a stink.

Hey, Lysistrata, did we get here late? What’s the matter? Why are you so quiet?

I’m not pleased with you, Myrrhine. You’re late.

And this is serious business.

It was dark. I had trouble tracking down my waist band. If it’s such a big deal, tell these women.

No, let’s wait a while until the women

from Sparta and Boeotia get here.

All right. That sounds like the best idea. Hey, here comes Lampito.

Hello Lampito, my dear friend from Sparta. How beautiful you look, so sweet, such a fine complexion.

And this is serious business.

It was dark. I had trouble tracking down my waist band. If it’s such a big deal, tell these women.

No, let’s wait a while until the women

from Sparta and Boeotia get here.

All right. That sounds like the best idea. Hey, here comes Lampito.

Hello Lampito, my dear friend from Sparta. How beautiful you look, so sweet, such a fine complexion.

And your body looks so fit, strong enough to choke a bull.

Yes, by the two gods, I could pull that off. I do exercise and work out to keep my butt well toned.

CALONICE [fondling Lampito’s bosom] What an amazing pair of breasts you’ve got!

O, you stroke me like I’m a sacrifice.

And this young woman—where’s she from?

By the twin gods, she’s an ambassador— she’s from Boeotia.

Of course, from Boeotia. She’s got a beautiful lowland region.

Yes. By god, she keeps that territory elegantly groomed.

Who’s the other girl?

A noble girl, by the two gods, from Corinth.

A really noble girl, by Zeus—it’s clear she’s got good lines right here, back here as well.

All right, who’s the one who called the meeting and brought this bunch of women here?

I did.

Then lay out what it is you want from us.

Come on, dear lady, tell us what’s going on, what’s so important to you.

In a minute. Before I say it, I’m going to ask you one small question.

Ask whatever you want.

Don’t you miss the fathers of your children when they go off to war? I understand

By the twin gods, she’s an ambassador— she’s from Boeotia.

Of course, from Boeotia. She’s got a beautiful lowland region.

Yes. By god, she keeps that territory elegantly groomed.

Who’s the other girl?

A noble girl, by the two gods, from Corinth.

A really noble girl, by Zeus—it’s clear she’s got good lines right here, back here as well.

All right, who’s the one who called the meeting and brought this bunch of women here?

I did.

Then lay out what it is you want from us.

Come on, dear lady, tell us what’s going on, what’s so important to you.

In a minute. Before I say it, I’m going to ask you one small question.

Ask whatever you want.

Don’t you miss the fathers of your children when they go off to war? I understand

you all have husbands far away from home.

My dear, it’s five full months my man’s been gone— off in Thrace taking care of Eucrates.

And mine’s been stuck in Pylos seven whole months.

And mine—as soon as he gets home from war he grabs his shield and buggers off again.

As for old flames and lovers—there are none left. And since Milesians went against us, I’ve not seen a decent eight-inch dildo. Yes, it’s just leather, but it helps us out.

So would you be willing, if I found a way,

to work with me to make this fighting end?

By the twin goddesses, yes. Even if in just one day I had to pawn this dress and drain my purse.

Me too—they could slice me up like a flat fish, then use one half of me to get a peace.

I’d climb up to the top of Taygetus to get a glimpse of peace.

All right I’ll tell you. No need to keep quiet about my plan. Now, ladies, if we want

to force the men to have a peace, well then,

we must give up . . .

Give up what? Tell us!

Then, will you do it?

Of course, we’ll do it, even if we have to die.

All right then— we have to give up all male penises.

Why do you turn away? Where are you going? How come you bite your lips and shake your heads? And why so pale? How come you’re crying like that? Will you do it or not? What will it be?

I won’t do it. So let the war drag on.

I won’t either. The war can keep on going.

How can you say that, you flatfish? Just now you said they could slice you into halves.

Ask what you like, but not that! If I had to, I’d be willing to walk through fire—sooner that than give up screwing. There’s nothing like it, dear Lysistrata.

And what about you?

I’d choose the fire, too.

What a debased race we women are! It’s no wonder men write tragedies about us. We’re good for nothing but screwing Poseidon in the bath tub.

But my Spartan friend, if you were willing,

just you and me, we still could pull it off. So help me out.

By the twin gods, it’s hard for women to sleep all by themselves without a throbbing cock. But we must try. We’ve got to have a peace.

O you’re a true friend! The only real woman in this bunch.

If we really do give up what you say— I hope it never happens!—would doing that make peace more likely?

By the two goddesses, yes,

much more likely. If we sit around at home with all our make up on and in those gowns made of Amorgos silk, naked underneath,

with our crotches neatly plucked, our husbands will get hard and want to screw. But then, if we stay away and won’t come near them, they’ll make peace soon enough. I’m sure of it.

Yes, just like they say—when Menelaus

saw Helen’s naked tits, he dropped his sword.

But my friend, what if our men ignore us?

Well then, in the words of Pherecrates, you’ll find another way to skin the dog.

But fake penises aren’t any use at all. What if they grab us and haul us by force

into the bedroom.

Just grab the door post.

And if they beat us?

Then you must submit— but do it grudgingly, don’t cooperate. There’s no enjoyment for them when they just force it in. Besides, there are other ways to make them suffer. They’ll soon surrender.

No husband ever had a happy life if he did not get on well with his wife.

Well, if you two think it’s good, we do, too.

I’m sure we can persuade our men to work for a just peace in everything, no tricks. But how’ll you convince the Athenian mob?

They’re mad for war.

That’s not your worry. We’ll win them over.

I don’t think so— not while they have triremes under sail and that huge treasure stashed away

where your goddess makes her home.

But that’s all been well taken care of. Today we’ll capture the Acropolis. The old women have been assigned the task. While we sit here planning all the details, they’ll pretend they’re going there to sacrifice and seize the place.

You’ve got it all worked out.

What you say sounds good.

All right Lampito, let’s swear an oath as quickly as we can. That way we’ll be united.

Recite the oath.

Then we’ll all swear to it.

That’s good advice. Where’s that girl from Scythia?

Why stare like that? Put down your shield, the hollow part on top. Now, someone get me a victim’s innards.

Lysistrata, what sort of oath is this we’re going to swear?

What sort of oath? One on a shield, just like they did back then in Aeschylus’s play—with slaughtered sheep.

You can’t, Lysistrata, not on a shield, you can’t swear an oath for peace on that!

What should the oath be, then?

Let’s get a stallion, a white one, and then offer up its guts!

Why a white horse?

Then how will we make our oath?

I’ll tell you, by god, if you want to hear. Put a large dark bowl down on the ground, then sacrifice a jug of Thasian wine, and swear we’ll never pour in water.

Now, if you ask me, that’s a super oath!

Someone get the bowl and a jug of wine.

Look, dear ladies, at this splendid bowl.

Just touching this gives instant pleasure.

Put it down. Now join me and place your hands on our sacrificial victim.

O you, Goddess of Persuasion and the bowl which we so love, accept this sacrifice, a women’s offering, and be kind to us.

Such healthy blood spurts out so beautifully!

By Castor, that’s a mighty pleasant smell.

Ladies, let me be the first to swear the oath.

No, by Aphrodite, no—not unless

your lot is drawn.

Grab the brim, Lampito, you and all the others. Someone repeat

for all the rest of you the words I say— that way you’ll pledge your firm allegiance: No man, no husband and no lover . . .

No man, no husband and no lover . . .

. . . will get near me with a stiff prick. . . Come on . . . Say it!

. . . will get near me with a stiff prick. O Lysistrata, my knees are getting weak!

At home I’ll live completely without sex . . .

At home I’ll live completely without sex . . .

. . . wearing saffron silks, with lots of make up . . .

. . . wearing saffron silks, with lots of make up . . .

. . . to make my man as horny as I can.

. . . to make my man as horny as I can.

If against my will he takes me by force . . .

If against my will he takes me by force . . .

. . . I’ll be a lousy lay, not move a limb.

. . . I’ll be a lousy lay, not move a limb.

I’ll not raise my slippers up towards the roof . . .

I’ll not raise my slippers up towards the roof . . .

. . . nor crouch down like a lioness on all fours.

. . . nor crouch down like a lioness on all fours.

If I do all this, then I may drink this wine.

If I do all this, then I may drink this wine.

If I fail, may this glass fill with water.

If I fail, may this glass fill with water.

Do all you women swear this oath?

We do.

All right. I’ll make the offering.

Just your share, my dear, so we all stay firm friends.

What’s that noise?

It’s what I said just now—the women have already captured the Acropolis. So, Lampito, you return to Sparta— do good work among your people there. Leave these women here as hostages. We’ll go in the citadel with the others and help them as they barricade the doors.

Don’t you think the men will band together and march against us—and quickly, too.

I’m not so worried about them. They’ll come

carrying their torches and making threats, but they’ll not pry these gates of ours apart,

It’s what I said just now—the women have already captured the Acropolis. So, Lampito, you return to Sparta— do good work among your people there. Leave these women here as hostages. We’ll go in the citadel with the others and help them as they barricade the doors.

Don’t you think the men will band together and march against us—and quickly, too.

I’m not so worried about them. They’ll come

carrying their torches and making threats, but they’ll not pry these gates of ours apart,

not unless they agree to our demands.

Yes, by Aphrodite, that’s right. If not, we’ll be labelled weak and gutless women.

LEADER OF MEN’S CHORUS

Keep moving, Draces, pick up the pace, even if your shoulder’s tired lugging all this heavy fresh-cut olive wood.

Alas, so many unexpected things take place in a long life. O Strymodorus,

who’d ever think they’d hear such news about our women—the ones we fed