needs ready cash, give out a cheer, and take some minae, two or three. Coins fill our purses now, you see. And if we get a peace treaty, you take some money from the sack, and keep it. You don’t pay it back.

I’m going to have a great shindig— I’ve got some soup, I’ll kill a pig— with friends of mine from Carystia.

You’ll eat fine tender meat again. Come to my house this very day. But first wash all the dirt away, you and your kids, then walk on by. No need to ask a person why. Just come straight in, as if my home was like your own—for at my place

we’ll shut the door right in your face.

Ah, here come the Spartan ambassadors trailing their long beards. They’ve got something like a pig pen between their thighs.

Men of Sparta, first of all, our greetings. Tell us how you are. Why have you come?

Why waste a lot of words to tell you? You see the state that brought us here.

Oh my! The crisis has grown more severe. It seems the strain is worse than ever.

It’s indescribable. What can I say?

But let someone come, give us a peace in any way he can.

Well now, I see our own ambassadors—they look just like our wrestling men with their shirts sticking out around their bellies or like athletic types who need to exercise to cure their sickness.

Where’s Lysistrata? Can someone tell me? We’re men here and, well, look . . .

They’re clearly suffering from the same disease. Hey, does your cock throb early in the morning?

By god, yes. What this is doing to me—

it’s torture. If we don’t get a treaty soon we’ll going to have to cornhole Cleisthenes.

If you’re smart, keep it covered with your cloak. One of those men who chopped off Hermes’ dick might see you.

By god, that’s good advice.

Yes, by the twin gods, excellent advice. I’ll pull my mantle over it.

Greetings, Spartans. We’re both suffering disgracefully.

Yes, dear sir, we’d have been in real pain if one of those dick-clippers had seen us with our peckers sticking up like this.

All right, Spartans, we each need to talk.

Why are you here?

Ambassadors for peace.

Well said. We want the same. Why don’t we call Lysistrata. She’s the only one who’ll bring a resolution to our differences.

By the two gods, bring in Lysistratus, if he’s the ambassador you want.

It seems there is no need to summon her. She’s heard us, and here she is in person.

Hail to the bravest woman of them all. You must now show that you’re resilient— stern but yielding, with a good heart but mean, stately but down-to-earth. The foremost men in all of Greece in deference to your charms

have come together here before you so you can arbitrate all their complaints.

That task should not be difficult, unless they’re so aroused they screw each other. I’ll quickly notice that. But where is she, the young girl Reconciliation?

Come here, and first, take hold of those from Sparta, don’t grab too hard or be too rough, not like our men who act so boorishly—instead do it as women do when they’re at home. If they won’t extend their hands to you, then grab their cocks.

Now go and do the same

for the Athenians. You can hold them by whatever they stick out.

Now then, you men of Sparta, stand here close to me, and you Athenians over here. All of you, listen to my words. I am a woman, but I have a brain, and my common sense is not so bad—I picked it up quite well from listening to my father and to speeches from our senior men. Now I’ve got you here, I wish to reprimand you, both of you, and rightly so. At Olympia, Delphi,

and Thermopylae (I could mention many other places if I had a mind to make it a long list) both of you use the same cup when you sprinkle altars, as if you share the same ancestral group. We’ve got barbarian enemies, and yet with your armed expeditions you destroy Greek men and cities. At this point, I’ll end the first part of my speech.

This erection— it’s killing me!

And now you Spartans, I’ll turn to you. Don’t you remember how, some time ago, Periclidias came, a fellow Spartan, and sat down right here, a suppliant at these Athenian altars—

he looked so pale there in his purple robes— begging for an army? Messenians then were pressing you so hard, just at the time god sent the earthquake. So Cimon set out with four thousand armed infantry and saved the whole of Sparta. After going through that, how can you ravage the Athenians’ land, the ones who helped you out?

Lysistrata, you’re right, by god. They’re in the wrong.

Not true, but look at that incredibly fine ass!

Do you Athenians think I’ll forget you? Don’t you remember how these Spartans men,

back in the days when you were dressed as slaves came here with spears and totally destroyed those hordes from Thessaly and many friends of Hippias and those allied with him? It took them just one day to drive them out and set you free. At that point you exchanged your slavish clothes for cloaks which free men wear.

I’ve never seen a more gracious woman.

I’ve never seen a finer looking pussy.

If you’ve done many good things for each other, why go to war? Why not stop this conflict?

Why not conclude a peace? What’s in the way?

We’re willing, but the part that’s sticking out we want that handed back.

Which one is that?

This one here—that’s Pylos. We must have that— we’ve been aching for it a long time now.

By Poseidon, you won’t be having that!

My good man, you’ll surrender it to them.

Then how do we make trouble, stir up shit?

Ask for something else of equal value.

Then give us this whole area in here— first, there’s Echinous, and the Melian Gulf, the hollow part behind it, and these legs

which make up Megara.

By the twin gods, my good man, you can’t have all that!

Let it go. Don’t start fighting over a pair of legs.

I’d like to strip and start ploughing naked.

By god, yes! But me first. I’ll fork manure.

You can do those things once you’ve made peace. If these terms seem good, you’ll want your allies to come here to join negotiations.

What of our allies? We’ve all got hard ons. Our allies will agree this is just fine. They’re all dying to get laid!

Ours, as well—

no doubt of that.

And the Carystians— they’ll also be on board, by Zeus.

Well said. Now you must purify yourselves. We women will host a dinner for you in the Acropolis. We’ll use the food we brought here in our baskets. In there you will make a oath and pledge your trust in one another. Then each of you can take his wife and go back home.

Let’s go— and hurry up.

Lead on. Wherever you wish.

All right by Zeus, as fast as we can go.

Embroidered gowns and shawls, robes and golden ornaments— everything I own—I offer you with an open heart. Take these things and let your children have them, if you’ve a daughter who will be a basket bearer. I tell you all take my possessions in my home— nothing is so securely closed you can’t break open all the seals and take whatever’s there inside.

no doubt of that.

And the Carystians— they’ll also be on board, by Zeus.

Well said. Now you must purify yourselves. We women will host a dinner for you in the Acropolis. We’ll use the food we brought here in our baskets. In there you will make a oath and pledge your trust in one another. Then each of you can take his wife and go back home.

Let’s go— and hurry up.

Lead on. Wherever you wish.

All right by Zeus, as fast as we can go.

Embroidered gowns and shawls, robes and golden ornaments— everything I own—I offer you with an open heart. Take these things and let your children have them, if you’ve a daughter who will be a basket bearer. I tell you all take my possessions in my home— nothing is so securely closed you can’t break open all the seals and take whatever’s there inside.

But if you look, you won’t see much unless your eyesight’s really keen, far sharper than my own.

If anyone is out of corn to feed his many tiny children and household slaves, at home I’ve got a few fine grains of wheat— a quart of those will make some bread, a fresh good-looking loaf. If there’s a man who wants some bread and is in need

let him come with his sacks and bags to where I live to get his wheat. My servant Manes will pour it out. But I should tell you not to come too near my door—there’s a dog you need to stay well clear of.

Open the door!

Why don’t you get out of my way? Why are you lot sitting there? What if I burned you with this torch? That’s a stale routine! I won’t do that. Well, if I really must, to keep you happy, I’ll go through with it.